OK so I was wrong ... not all hope is gone! There is hope. But it has crept in some really really weird places, like our brain - other people's brain and under a few rocks, behind the old dresser and places like that.

Nothing out of the ordinary has taken place - in fact the gloom scenarios are around stronger than ever , but a line has to be drawn. In the face of collective misery, we have to try and parade individual resistance. Because after all, mob mentality NEVER EVER did any one person any good!!

Is this really the black hole where hope and positive thinking come to lay their tired bodies?? I mean seriously what has happened to this year? Apart from continuous hits above and below the belt, it seems to me that December is not turning out to be quite as jolly as one might have expected.

We are really anticipating 2011 to come through the door simply because the new always holds some promise. But that is the ONLY reason; deep down we know pretty well that 2011 is likely to be as punishing and brutal as 2010.

Good luck to all the women and children... all of us included...

Last night I wasted an evening of my life, listening to a life-coach presenting his programme. I went to support a friend - whose life apparently was changed by the programme and wanted to spread the joy. Last night I vowed that apart from the necessary hours I struggle with and often fail at my job I will not again waste any time on anything! I will do and spend time as I see fit for myself and those around me.

I am getting old... I looked in the mirror yesterday and I had this grey tinge about my face - an indescribable paleness and I should know, let's face it, I am not known for my fair skin! I am getting old. My hair is in fact turning grey, what's left of it anyway. I am philosophizing a lot more lately and I have a sneaking suspicion that the weight I have put on is not going to leave me unless I do something drastic. Even my teeth are starting to lose their overwhelming whiteness.

I am 35 ... but I am getting old I can feel it... and it will not get easier either.... but it is worth at least resisting a little bit. I am going to rethink the beard!!

Curtains down....

Last night was final night of performances for my play... at least for now. A full-house and 3 curtain calls for the actors. Last night was a good night... I had people I loved and cared for around me, and I think that they may have started to form a new opinion of me. After all writing a play and exposing yourself in such a way is scary but cleansing in so many ways. I feel ... I am not sure what I feel, perhaps that I have spoken without saying anything, that I have managed to bring to fruition a year-long project. Well not I alone but I was a part of it.

I have found my calling; there is no mistake about it. Should not try to hide it or think twice about it. This is it.. On the eve of my 35th birthday, the truth is inescapable: I want to be a writer... just let all of it pour out even like smudges on screen and paper. That's what I want... I might never do it but that's ok... this is big in itself...

A friend of mine, a good friend of mine I believe, sent me a job posting in a production company which is seeking to recruit script-writers for a new daily series. I smiled when I read it; I am of course not qualified in the list to be seeking script-writing commissions but I was amused to think what urged him to write it. It signals a shift; a shift in perception. And a shift in possibilities. The financial crisis has long wiped away any potential jobs that might be of interest to someone of my 'level' (God I hate that word and what it carries with it) so as we struggle with sanity, survival and the dreadul sense of what is to come we look inward to pools of new skills and talent. I daresay some of us have struck gold, perhaps not in real terms but in terms of finding a niche through which to express ourselves.

It might not pay the rent, but it does not cost me anything either. I will go write to my friend and thank him...

Opening night + 2

Not sure what makes a writer who he is, but there is a certain brain connection that fires up when someone asks you: "And you are?" "I am the writer".... there is a lot to be said about the way we define ourselves and how we are perceived. I am not a writer, I have written a play which I was LUCKY enough to see on stage.. it was a feeling like no other, putting words in people's mouths like that.

And this morning my son asked "Dad have you got rehersal tonight?"... as I was pouring his milk at 7 am... what a question!! I wanted to laugh; rehersal tonight... I don't actually, and nothing is planned for tomorrow evening either, which means we can go back to our routine and be there for his 7pm swimming class. And you know what? that is fine with me. I may never be a writer, I will fight for it but I will be there for his swimming classes and that to him is important and that makes it important for me too...

The week after the week that passed. Even though the hell that I refer to as last week was a premeditated crime, I still feel drained and exhausted. I gaze upon life with a fresh gaze this Monday morning. As we are nearing final rehersals, people are getting more stressed; not me.. I am getting happier. I want to scream and explain that this has to be a joke but it is not, it is happening and I once again am grateful. I am also suprised; some have come out of nowhere to cheer me on, others who should have been cheering already have somehow vanished into the background.. there you have it I guess....

I have noticed some ugly trends in my personality lately... pressure makes me snap, it never used to; and then it used to give me stomach pains but I would never get angry or explode. But now I do, like a pot with too much water as it boils over. Flickers of rage directed at loved ones lasting less than a minute. But what if that changes? What if they start lasting longer? What if the rage never leaves me?

Just when we think that we are under control, something like this happens and shakes us about! I first noticed a couple of weeks ago; I have always been not-the-most-patient kid on the block but lately I lose my patience and snap at people and then I feel like one of those alcoholics that beat up his wife in a drunken stupor. I think the feeling of regret after is the worst combined with the feeling of helplessnes. At first I could not articulate what the problem was, and then suddenly last Tuesday as I was waiting for my son to finish swim lesson I realised it... there is an issue there. Something very serious needs to be addressed and the ugly monster to turn back into its box.. And it will...

So I met the actors. I love saying... it sounds so nonchalant... "so I met the actors". Those actors who are right now rehersing my play. I feel so in awe of them; embarrased that after having studied theatre for years, Ipsen, Brecht and the rest, they are now reduced to my miserable excuse for a script. That is how I feel. But those 4, can change my life and in a way they have already. A bit less ordinary, a bit less predictable, just after a meeting in the heart of Athens....

My daily drive often takes me through the scenic route, a country road through what are probably ancient olive groves, raped by human progress. It really is a nice drive, shame about the actual narrow winding road.

Yesterday afternoon in the opposite lane I saw a silver Range Rover suddenly stop in the middle of the road. I was taking this scene in and wondering what moron would do that. The driver door swung open and a pair of shorts-wearing legs appeared. I immediately made the association "bimbo with great thighs and big car, typical". She had a cigarette in her mouth and her hair was up in a pony tail under her baseball cap. But then she surprised me, in fact she made me eat by stupid thoughts to my shame and repent.

She stepped in front of her car, bent over and pickep up a turtle that was silently, softly crossing the asphalt. She saved a life. As the queue was forming behind her, I realised that once again I fell victim to my preconceptions. I had done once again what I am trying desperately to teach my son not to do, generalise, judge and dismiss. I have been as bad as anyone who ever hated someone simply because they were black or Jewish or fat...

parenting...

I am officially a monster parent... I have done the unthinkable and I deserve punishment; my boy, the apple of my eye is sleeping in an IKEA bed and mattress. A far cry from the cocomat ideal, definetely in price, I assume in quality too.

It is funny how parental dilemmas associate guilt with spending; it is also interesting to note that the guilt alleviates if the parent is somehow left broke but happy with his/her purchase. Because naturally their offspring deserves the best, regardless of pricing policies and anything else. Well my offspring still deserves the best, but I refused to dive into our savings for his bed. He loves his new bed, the mattress looks and feels comfortable and safe and at the end of it, I still have money to buy him sheets for it as well!

To this day there is nothing that can convince me that a single bed can cost 2,500 EUR. And I refuse to show my love ONLY in the things that I buy for him. So much to everyone's horror, he will again tonight sleep in his IKEA bed and from the looks of it will thoroughly enjoy it!

Looking through key-holes

The other day I was sitting in a friend's balcony. One of those balconies tucked away at the back of the building, where it shares a somewhat limited space with other balconies, also tucked away in the back of their respective buildings. As we were talking, my eyes fell upon a door opposite me, shutters drawn. Don't know why I was looking there; maybe because I could hear a baby cry and I remember my baby crying in a hot summer's day.

When a man in his briefs opened the shutters and stood semi-naked in front of his window, I was amused. He saw me sitting there and immediately covered himself up with the curtain. I was more amused. I think the voyeur in me was amused more than anything else. Soon after that I fully refocused in my ongoing discussion.

What is it that grabs our interest when we see people act pretty much like we act when we think noone is looking? Why do we need to know? Or is it just me? Maybe the writer in me and the voyeur in me are in fact the same person!

WiFi and other curses....

I am convinced I hate WiFi, Blackberrys, 'smart' phones and 'web access'! I am also pretty tired of netbooks, constant updates and 'take your office with you' mentality. If I wanted to take my office with me I would stay with my office and then nobody would have to move at all!

Our away time is being infected by all this access, and wireless connection and keyboards of all shapes and sizes. I only had a short holiday this summer and in the ferry ride I received a semi-frantic phonecall from a client about an assignment. "I have sent you an email", "I am on the boat" and the killer response to that "Does this mean that you cannot do it?"... A few years back nobody would assume that a job might be done while in a bathing suit trying to unwind. But not anymore... I did do the job and I lost juuuuust a little bit of my holiday; the next day the delivered document had formatting issues so a liiiiiiittle bit more time was lost trying to fix it and follow up on it. So what I hear you say... which is fair enough... so nothing.... but.... is there a line we should/could/must draw? When is a break defined as such? I think that a holiday must mean that I touch no keyboard for as long as possible, I receive no phonecalls apart from mum and friends, I check no formats and I send no emails and I certainly do not update my Facebook status.

But I guess I am dreaming...

There is a number of interesting stories that one can relay about this past week. We have seen everything from massive queues to fights, blockades and less traffic on the roads! And we are not at war or anything.

We are in the middle of the what should be another lazy summer season. But this is anything but! There is nothing lazy about this summer and in spite of all the turmoil something appears to be shifting. Sideways and now maybe forward. Could it be? Could it?

Summer and other horror stories

There is a reason why we go to the beach; well probably there are a number of reasons, including to relax, run around semi-naked and 'society' accepting it as normal, feel the warmth of the sun on us etc etc.

Living in Greece, in Athens, these days does not come with a great number of benefits. Work prospects seem dismal, there is very little money floating about and most people seem depressed! BUT for most of us, the beach is not more than 40 minutes away, wherever we live. And the options are practically endless, but unfortunately so are the people. Last Sunday was particularly potent beach-going experience, as we went to visit a friend staying at a 'resort-like' suburb, we arrived at the beach to face an onslaught of everything! I have not seen so many people gathered in one place since the last concert I went to. This was not the beach, this was more like a movie set and all of us were actors in a very very strange production. It was by no means relaxing, people were actually fighting over places in the shade, places in the sun, chairs, showers and generally there was football-game-like tension.

Does this make for a relaxing Sunday morning? Probably not! On the way back after a very very short stay, I realised that the beach is a symbol we hold sacred, pretty much like the flag. "We went to the beach" is somehow a rebelious statement; we dare go to the beach and frolic in spite of the problems, the issues, the unemployment and the uncertainty. And obviously no matter what, because I cannot believe that aaaaaaaall these peole were having a good time. I certainly wasn't.

So the beach is the revolution... the one place were we can all feel equal no matter how much each one of us has spent on beach accessories. When in the water it does not make much of a difference.

I woke up Monday morning with the image of the rebelious Athenians at the beach, stuck in the traffic getting there, stuck in traffic getting back. And I felt almost proud; because resistance was not futile and people were making an effort. I smiled and then I remembered that a topless 6o-year old woman was trying to make conversation with my 3-year old son while he was trying to ascertain what to make of her. That's the beach... that's the revolution....

a beacon?

There are tunnels and then there are TUNNELS! I will not even pretend that I am in a tunnel, but mentally and psychologically I have been. However, there is no point... and even though poverty is always just a couple of months away, there is something to believe in. US! No, no, not the USA. US, as in you and me. I mean let's face it, no matter how bad things are, the only people who can make a difference in our lives is us. Sure, we need help but that is only an add-on.

So having realised this I sort of created an anchor for myself and realised the priorities... and that is working out well for me. For now at least.

This is will be essentially the last of my 'dark-times' post. There is no point to them anyway. I am sure there are darker times ahead, but this blog will turn around, and it will include 1 post every week on views and reviews and life. Good luck to us all and thanks for reading!

Long time, no write! It is of course my fault, but a lot has been happening! A nice, dense, thick weekend with tempers and laughter and reactions... and gossip.

I also decided that i DETEST those long pants that unzip right above the knee to become shorts! I mean if I see them around some more i will start talking to those wearing them.. and ask them why??? i mean get shorts and get pants!!! not all in one... it is not a shampoo!!!

I had to say that.

Now, I spend the day poolside yesterday. One of those dreamy pools that is not mine and is not public. Private but with the guestlist expanding every 10 minutes, it felt sort of public. I was wondering what it would feel like to own such a property and how would others perceive me, if I did. A lot of what we do and how we react is a matter of perception, our address, our clothes, our job. So would a pool change how you all see me?? Maybe... but I am pretty sure I would not like one... My mind is still set at a quiet penthouse downtown.. after aaaall this time, this little dream has not gone away. So maybe it means something!

There are days that weigh heavy, heavier than others. Questions weigh heavy... so heavy that I feel my shoulders droop.

I have not opened my eyes fully today; it is a bad day and it will go away. But I still have not opened my eyes fully today...

Wonder... wonder... wonder....

Is there a point where we stop wondering and start doing? It is unclear to me. For years we plan and plan... so when do we kickstart those plans? and how do we know if they are good plans? That they will actually amount to something?

Answers please???

What if the child the you run after and worry about and try to keep off the balcony actually astounds you one day? In a nice way of course... I mean, some people 'make it', some people are happy and successful and not an embarassment... these people have parents! As I was watching my son perform his part in his school's summer play, a little song and dance along with the other toddlers, I was wondering...what would it feel like? I know all about how wrong it is to 'expect' and putting pressure on them but I am pretty sure he will not read this... so there!

What if?? :-)

It certainly has not been an easy week... but then again I struggle to look back and remember any easy weeks over the last year or so. Is it me? Am I seeing things the wrong way? I desperately need some rest but there is no let up, nothing to look forward to since the powers that be are simply intent on removing any morsel of self-satisfaction from our existence. This is how I feel. Taking pleasure in everyday events is a blessing and that is no longer the case. Everyday seems to be a mundane collection of moments, albeit some brighter than others. I know I am an extremely selfish man and I have been training myself to be otherwise; training has paid off but the cost has been great. And was it worth it? I wonder... I am not sure me or anyone around is oozing happiness because of it or whether they will in the future.

As I write these lines I can only think of rest... nothing else... just rest... away...

There is a certain charm in living just for the day. We are allowed nothing more these days; this is the death of planning, for the future, our lives, holidays, schools everything. We are now called upon to pay up, shut up and nothing more. So much to my amusement I have realised that I am unable to plan anything in my life any more and every time I do it, it simply blows up in my face. Maybe that's the secret... relaaaax. And when the money runs out just die quietly...

Days are bright all of a sudden... there is only so much gloom a June morning can handle I suppose and rightly so. Last night we were once again faced with an onslaught of financial tragedy to come in the next few years. My wife and I turned the TV off and put on a DVD... old FRIENDS episodes... what is the point? I mean, we are not rich so hearing on TV that we will all probably die of starvation in our final years, is not likely to have a positive effect now does it?? But does it matter? I mean are we really expected to believe projections for 20, 30 years down the line? Recent experience shows that "news items" and "policies" are simply not worth the paper they are written on. So we all make do, one day at a time and plan our future as best we can. I have had enough of "scenarios" and live television debates on how I am going to survive on a 400EUR pension a month. Well I will not! Noone will survive on that, don't be idiots!!!!!! It is hardly a difficult mathematical conundrum!!

But still after all, this morning is shiny, oh how difficult it is to dampen the spirit and kill the mood. There is a flame there... unmistakable...

Happy Monday... albeit with a blocked nose! I did manage to visit the beach having a cold, sneezing and with my nose running... little son decided that he is half-dolphin, and I could not shutter the dream! There must be a reason why we feel so at ease in water.. but that is not the subject of this blog-entry!

Not sure what the subject of this blog-entry is to be honest, however, I have to cherish these entries, resembling a sort of half-hearted diary open to the world.

So I am writing again... not only that I am finding myself writing a lot, and when I am not writing I think about it. I think about it almost all the time and I feel like a ray of sun travelling through tunnels seeking a way out into the open. All I see is inspiration, all I feel is opportunities and ways to further develop. I guess that is what happens when the cocoon finally breaks. I have ignored or put aside, my deep attraction to this medium for so many years; my eagerness to put pen to paper without any preassumption about talent. The truth of the matter is that although (naturally) I would like to be considered talented it is not in fact my first priority. I do no think that people are in awe when they read my stuff and most of it needs a lot more work, something I generally do not support as a method once something is written. However, the therapeutic sense I get when I write or plot in my mind the next scene, does not hinge on the outcome in any way.

I still remember one of my first essays in school about Rain... I remember letting myself go and just let it pour all out and how the teacher reacted to this literary undertaking. She was surprised. So was I. And that was it, less than three decades later following 1 novel about 10 short stories, 2 plays and the conceptualisation of a TV series, 2 blogs and countless essays I still feel like that boy handing in his essay and waiting...

My, my, my.... births, weekends, mud, hospitals, coughing, food, lemon pie, steaks and wine... lots of it... WHAT A WEEKEND!! And this week is continuing with the impetus of the last few days.

I have just realised something... this past year has been very turbulent, shocking in many ways however, I am going through a very productive phase! A lot of things going on but who can say how they will end up... so these are not only turbulent times but they are juicy ones, full of creative spirit. I am writing once again after years and it feels wonderful!

Have a wonderful Tuesday... the sun is shining, the prospects do not seem to materialise, the country is going under but somehow I cannot shake the feeling that I did the right move when I did it. I still believe in our ability to control our lives, or at least die trying! There is no other way...

Last weekend I sat down with my director friend and we discussed my vision for my play. i could not believe it, he was picking my brains about how i would like the leading lady to be, her essence. I felt like crying... i still do!! I cannot describe what this means to me, and i get all tingly imagining opening night... i do so hope it happens and i get to enjoy it all...

Last Friday was a monumental day... it was a day of results, effort, direction, prospects and some pain, due to the injury in my sides! What I find phenomenal is that indeed a day-off can become a few hours of greatness! Because that is how I felt, great. Getting things done, tying up loose ends, creating some new ones, that's what it was all about.

The weekend was a different story but I have come to the conclusion that weekends will never fulfill their destiny again unless we accept, my wife and I that is, that weekends are not necessarilly time-off but rather time spent. Time spent on creating a family, including fighting, making up, making out, patience testing, outing and negotiating... sounds like a family does it not?

Today I am regrouping... after a hellish last week and a hellish Monday, which culminated in a car crash with a Moldovian motorcyclist, today I feel like there might be a light... somewhere. I did not manage to squeeze in a run this morning but i do feel like I am ready to face the world. Shaving will do that to a man! So I shaved, I put gel on my hair and a blue shirt and inspite of car crashes, unyielding work pressures and a general sense of unrest, I decided that today I regroup.

"write about you, that's what people find interesting!" indeed, I had started this blog writing about me... not sure what happened; i think after a while, I started writing to me, like a letter to myself.

I heard one of the most significant people in my life shout at me yesterday "do you really think the world revolves around you??"... and it was a genuine question. It warranted an answer; it was not clear basically. And that scared me; if I give that impression, then what chance do I have? How can I convince anyone about anything? I really do not think that the world revolves around me, but is that the impression I give off?

It is a pretty sad one.


This morning I woke up in my usual "don't wake the baby up mode" with my usual stomach ache too. I was thinking that I have turned feline in my lack-of-noise-making! I can make a cup of coffee with the minimal amount of decibels produced. Oh it is holy time in the morning, and the earlier the better, all is quiet, all is just starting to wake up. And there am I with my soundless coffee, and my stomach ache wondering about the day, worrying about everything and wishing that a different day had started. A creative one, in a place not ravaged by all this anger...

So I went to Lidl last night... it was a big step for me and my family! I kid you not... it took effort! I have tried it twice before and i literally walked out before even making it half way down the first aisle.

I mean we hear about German efficiency but Lidl is not all the efficient and even though i have never lived in a communist regime i expect mid-80s Sofia supermarkets had a similar feel to them. Frankly i did not like it.. i did not expect to like it... but it was 'price efficient'. So will I go again? i hate to say yes, and i hate to say that I need to save money so probably yes... dammit...

Spring has sprung, it was evident over the weekend. I felt younger, went out, held hands, took my time shaving and was not rushing around. It was good... Saturday showed me what it means to have friends around, even those you fight with and sometimes resent, I often forget how important they are.

Lazy afternoons and racy evenings... that is what we need in life... i am almst sure!

There are no dead-ends... there are difficulties, often unsurmountable but no dead-ends. Of course the price we are called to pay is what's stake every time, but sometimes 'price' is only a mental state.

All it takes is a plunge, a little push...

So it is Monday morning.... i cut myself shaving this morning, last major cut was in December 2009, day after Christmas! Typical... there is never a good time to cut yourself shaving...

But anyway enough with bodily fluids. I had the most interesting Saturday; I have been a father now for over 2.5 years HOWEVER, we never truly had a whole day together, or at least the most productive part of the day together. And it just happened on Saturday and for once I realised how blessed I am, albeit a cliche it is true. And I also realised that when BOTH parents are involved at the same time, taking care of a toddler is in fact a lot harder. One-on-one it is a different story. He was on a grand behaviour. We went to IKEA bought shelves and napkins and plastic plates and goodies from the FoodMarket. We drove around and laughed, went home and played with his new play-doh and electric make-belief drill/screwdriver... he never falls asleep with me in the afternoon so when tiredness got the better of us, we went to the car and drove some more. He was asleep in 5min. Why am I talking about all this? Well I think I want it documented... and I want to remember that that was a day to be treasured, of course he will not remember but I will. I am grateful!

And I m grateful for this week coming up because once again we are at the start of something. And I want to explore this new angle, but above all I want to write this week. Ideas are starting to overflow again, beginnings and middles are ready to be deposited on paper... and stripped, explored, altered and developed... it is time again...

"be an author, be a screenwriter"... words of wisdom and encouragement, not simple to come to fruition but nonetheless simple enough to dream about

24h... maybe less, 12h is all it could take to change things, moods, ideas and expectations. As we move along often we carry our wounds with a brave face, other times we simply ignore them and other time we do something about them.

New days, new goals, new wounds... and that is the way it should be. How else could we survive an ongoing avalanche of bad energy?

I hate turning up to work on a Monday morning with stubble something not quite right about it. Another morning full of tension though could only come to this... stubble.... and a foul mood to match. But alas how much fouling can our moods take? I have all this tension building up inside, outside requesting attention and thought... and resolution... and nothing is ever resolved only piled on top and on top and then some more... I am just wondering how all this will pan out in 1 year... in 2 years... how long will the lid stay on for?

I have all this conflicting emotions, anger, relief, despearation, worry all blended together and mixed.

full of surprises....

Isn't it funny how some days bring along an avalanche whilst others not even a weak stream? I guess we should not expect to lead our lives at the same pace every single day but it is easy to see why that might be appealing. A life rich in stimuli, positive stimuli that is, along with experiences, creativity and brightness is all most of us could ever wish for, even without realising it.

I think last week I felt what it feels like to have a dream come true.... i felt the stir of possibility once again after a long time, and I will not let go...

Monday, Monday.... the new week crept upon me like a slithering lizard, not that there is anything wrong with the reptiles, it just makes for an interesting metaphor. After bouts of stomach pains, family strife and general malaise the weekend ended with a 39.2 fever.. not for me but for younger members of the household. When toddlers get sick it is a frightful sight to behold, unable to help themselves and you unable to help them much either. But we shall overcome of course and I feel renewed in my quest for a new way... I am convinced that there alternatives to all this medicine we are ingesting, that there are holistic to deal with the ills in our lives and I will explore, so watch this space!

One day at a time...

Coming back from holidays is often a chore... but getting things done is still satisfying and today things got done and that leaves a good taste; let's face it this is a rare event of late so savouring it is of the essense!

Travelling with wounds....

I have this thing about travelling... i expect it all to go smoothly and wonderfully and me be in top form. That is hardly ever the case of course and for the past two days with me experiencing the most horrific stomach ache of my life I was convinced I was cursed... well maybe not cursed.. but probably i was made to pay for my gluttony... again and again...

I am numb today.. almost recovered, almost done with work, almost on the verge but not quite there. I was inspired by a woman today who as she said "taught herself to be calmer" and basically let it all slide... can this happen i wonder? Can we learn that? I sure should try... and i know i have in the past and failed but so what? this could be a new beginning... and how i love those new beginnings with all the promise they hold.

It took me five minutes to pull out of my driveway this morning! That is a long time to be waiting for a suburban road to clear! Whatever happened to suburbia? clean and quiet and dull? 3 days ago a murder and suicide took place 3 blocks down; and even though it might sound exciting this sort of thing never used to happen in our predictable little part of the world. Times are changing and obviously social realities are changing with them. Pretty soon this will feel like downtown and I am kinda hoping it will!!!! I have always craved to live in an apartment in the centre... it is one of those unfulfilled dreams I have.

But one never knows when dreams might come to be... that is the whole point of them I guess.

Tuesday afternoon....

Not too slow, not too fast... not too warm, not too cold. Accepting reality I guess is the toughest test we can endure! So we have to come to terms.. that's it... coming to terms!

This is your life, it might change eventually but right now let's just love it... I know for me it is particularly difficult especially after years of impatience but maybe all this happens for a reason.. think about it??

In 2005 or 2006 I am not sure I was convinced I was seriously diseased because for approximately 2 weeks in April, my nose was stuffed, my throat was sore and my head felt like it was about to explode. The same thing has been happening around the same time every year and last night the April stuffeds visited me once again, only in March this time!

I got up at 7 am and it was not until 9 am, after a 30-min jog, a hot shower and infinite amounts of snot removal and 2 Panadols that I felt human... Don't you just love pollen and dust??? They are the tell-tale signs of spring after all and spring is all about waking up; waking up and smelling the flowers, let your body bask in the sun once again and feel. Feeling is the most important thing, and spring has sprung...

Most flavours in our lives are bittersweet; the grand mixed in with the miserable, the happy with the sad, the suprising with the mundane. Great news can be shadowed by bad news but I think we are successful when we manage to separate the two... grand is grand... and that's that.

From the onset this week has shown particular promise and I am taking on lessons that I have only briefly considered in the past. Be patient, be strong, be resilient and above all believe in yourself. I have added a new one... believe in others too.. that was particularly hard for me! I have no faith in others, I have always believed that people are not to be relied upon, to call or inform you or be there 100% when you need them. Maybe I am the same, but I realised last week that good fortune comes from when you learn to let go and learn to work with others, and be easy with the thought that they will keep up their end of the deal, and you know what? sometimes they do... and this is good. I have rediscovered my faith in people... somewhat... and I am wondering what comes next.

Mellow Yellow... I want to make a CD; when I was younger we used to make tapes, I remember making a compilation tape for my then girlfriend at 20 something, and I thought it was a bid deal. She did not like half the songs in it, it turned out! But now for my CD I know what songs I want on it, dawn songs... and I have plenty of those. Not songs that talk about the dawn, but which can be listened to at dawn.

This morning I saw the day breaking, sure it was cloudy but the dawn was right there. My son's nose was blocked and he was crying and in the middle of the chaos I looked out and there it was, dark and then light... dawn... the most beautiful sight... So yes I want to make a CD with 'dawn' songs.

Any suggestions??

I have been wondering what to write... and I decided to write about baby steps... those tiny forward steps that eventually do get us from A to B, no matter how shaky and wobbly our path. It is a tough time for most of us, a time of reorganisation, new priorities and feelings. What will tomorrow bring? Where is my sense of security? Do I need one? I am starting to think that in the name of security I for one have sacrificed far too much and let's face it, we are never secure nor should we be.

I am taking baby steps again... and the direction is forward... away from A and on to B...

Remember how last Friday I was hoping for a revelation? Well it did not happen... or rather that was the revelation! that there is nothing to reveal! There might be a better place than this but it is not easy to get to and it will certainly NOT be revealed, it will be earned though days of misery and struggle, hardship and heartache!

On a lighter note (ha ha ha) I am looking for recipes for quick bites, nibbles, like a plate of small interesting contraptions. Any suggestions? Well I doubt you can suggest anything because very few people actually read this but still I do like to throw questions wide open to the audience!!

:-) so come on... impress me!

Friday feeling...

It's Friday, sure I had a rough start, sure I had a headache for hours.. but it is Friday and I am full of ideas once again and ready to make something of the weekend, I am just not sure what yet!!

I felt weak over the past few days, not physically more emotionally than anything else. Like a speedboat battered by waves from all sides. Issues just taking over, and what I learnt this week is that issues cannot take over because then, they become life itself and our lives are so much more than our problems or the problems of those we love. It has not been easy for me to realise and I am still not 100% sure that it can work, given my frame of wind but I owe it to my sanity to try so as Friday afternoon slowly creeps upon us I will let go... and hope for a revelation...

It is already March... the first part of the year is already behind us, ready for 2010 to really take off. I still feel a weird energy that is uplifting but not enough of it to solve the problems I want to solve for the people I love.

My son started school today... and I know it is almost commonplace to feel emotional on a day like this but I really felt the significance of this event. This is like first steps, first words. He is no longer attached to us in the same way, he will create a new universe, albeit with other toddlers but sooner or later he will make friends, he will have secrets, I will not know everything about his day. It is thrilling to me that I made this human being standing in front of his teacher in his stonewashed GAP jeans...

What a wicked web we weave...

... when first we practise to deceive. If only I knew what brought that on, if only. But I cannot get this Shakespeare line out of my head all morning. And what a glorious morning it is... feels just like nothing could be wrong under this sun. But of course there is...

Spring has sprung in our little troubled spot of the world. I was having lunch al fresco yesterday with a view of the Acropolis... we were so close I could see the columns. It was magical and then of course I cheecked my emails and rushed off to a quick meeting and then I had a phone interview in the evening, it was all a bit too much, almost as is the screw is being tightened a bit too much and it needs to unwind a little bit.

I am starting down a path that I have been planning a long time, trying to focus on 'my thing' trying to be creative once again... but I am just also tired and I know it and I know that every time I rest I just want more and more. Am I simply lazy?? simply just not good enough??

I have been wondering whether 'blogging' is in any way therapeutic. I have been looking forward to writing this entry, possibly as way to exorcise my demons today, which seem to be numerous today. Swirling. Around.

A loooong weekend... one of those... 4 days of family bliss with only a few tantrums and only a couple registering on the Richter scale of tantrums, when confronting a toddler in a tantrum, rule no1 is NEVER lose patience or raise voice and it worked most of the times this weekend! So we are finally learning and we are all the better parents for it.

The weekend had everything, sun, snow, rain, cold, heat, food, diet, varying degrees of passion and companionship and it even helped me get my mind off things which i so badly needed for the past few days.

Is it really worth it to believe?? Does it make much of a difference? Will it make easier on others to believe in you if you believe in yourself? I am not entirely sure.. For the past two days I have been consumed by fiery tongues of desire for something JUST out of my reach, a dream which can turn into reality. A dream that will turn into reality, because I want it to. But is that enough? Are our desires enough to make that happen?

Whether or not they are, I feel that I find myself in a place full of contradictions and emotional rides that would make anyone lose their cool, let alone poor ol' me!! But I need to hold on...

I am writing because I wanted some account of today... some account of this afternoon. Even though it is just another day in a very troubled world, I am sighing deeply and hoping to do so with relief.

I have a feeling that this is fast turning into a parenting blog! Either that or simply this is still a blog about me but lately parenting is simply too huge a part of me to contain in the same boxes as the other parts of me.

In fact it seems to be taking over areas I would rather it did not but it seems unavoidable, and in fact sometimes I feel I am more of a father than anything else. And that is scary because I fear that I, we still have not found the balance that we have been striving for, for over 2 years. So what now? How do I make this? How do I find the patience at 7:00 am without a drop of coffee in me, without socks to actually argue against ice-cold milk in the bottle (??) to a 2 year-old who is convinced he is right.. Parenting gives you strength, it might give you dark circles but it gives you strength in an unorthodox way, it pushes to your ugliest limits, kicking and screaming sometimes and it forces you to face them and by facing them you are creating new ones. But it is painful, exhausting and altogether not that pleasant.

It is just me? do others take it at their stride? am i somehow unable to instill a feeling of quiet calmness about the home? i am wondering... as I gaze at our inadequacies I cannot help but wonder whether or not this is how scars are made in the human psyche....

I woke up looking grey... I could see the sun rising from behind the orange clouds and the hard-rock mountains and in this sunlight I looked grey and I felt grey too. Stubble which seemed to be there forever, balding hair in a mess, eyes sunk in sockets and a complexion that befits only a heavy drinker in Las Vegas.

Not good, it took me at least 3 hours to compose myself I must say and as I am preparing for the 3rd coffee of the day, I wonder if I am in fact ageing. We all are, and even though we think it will never actually happen to us, maybe this is it, maybe this is how you wake up when you age... Grey...

It is with interest that I watch toddler-son go through everyday. I think the science in me has re-emerged again and all I want to do is study him... i catch him react to the world, our grown-up world in such a unique, child-like way and i find myself envious of what we 'adults' have lost forever. Yesterday he decided he would spin round and round in his room so he asked me to cover a table corner with my hand so he won't hurt himself when he falls down. That's ingenuity for you!
It must be one hell of a ride and even though my childhood was not particularly something to remember, I would not mind growing up again... all I do now is grow old! It is not the same thing. So first I need to grow young, then grow down, so I can start growing up again, not an altogether easy task.

THE KNOWLEDGE

Faith is a part of the human condition.. we need to believe, we need to let go. But faith is also a tool of manipulation and has been for thousands of years. What we call organised religion through the ages has appeared fearful or daunted by the advent of knowledge, the thirst of our human curiosity and I still do not understand why. Should the faithful be ignorant? Do you believe less when you know more?

Does faith vanish when more and more people pose questions that need answering? I think not. In this day and age I hope we have overcome the moronic age-old notion that dogmas are all-encompassing and should not be questioned. Of course they should and they will either emerge stronger or collapse under the weight of the lies they have been built on.

That should be the only principle guiding our quest for faith and knowledge, which should be joint.

I realise that noone can know how the McCann's feel. Madeleine McCann has been missing for years... there is no point in discussing this case here, but her parents organised a fundraiser to mark the 1,000-day anniversary of the day she want missing... One of those glitzy fundraisers with B-class celebrities, make up and flashes. So this has become a cause... like raise money for a charity of some sort and it is being organised by her parents who stood and greeted their guests. And there is a girl missing for over 3 years...

I am not sure what my problem is here.. I really don't. I assume that I would be ok with people getting over certain events, tragic events and moving on. But getting over them, apparently and NOT moving on leaves me a sick taste in my mouth.

I realised that our life is a lot about control... we lack it and we strive for it and I think that happiness if very much dependent on our acceptance of the fact that we simply do not have control over major things in our life.

As i was putting the lights out last night, I realised that I was content with my 'rituals' my little control ceremonies were pleasing to think about and expect at the same time. But why?? What is so important? I think that in the times we live in and our constant doom bombardment we desperately need to hold on to something and if it is not our jobs, or job satisfaction then at least let it be our sense of control over the things that we need or can control. The crossover into the dark side begins when our need for control spills over on to our children our wives, husbands and those we love.

I have control over my 2.5 year-old son but am I controlling him? Am I exerting control over his little life? Should I not control? Such a misguided sense of parenting... As a parent, a loving parent, I object to classifying him as an object of control but I wonder if love is essentially an expression of control... and that is why we seek it for the best part of our lives

If I see one more middle-aged woman in my gym reading a gossip magazine whilst on the treadmill, I swear I will come in the next day with a copy of the hardest hardcore porn magazine I can find and leaf through it next to the water cooler!! For ALL to see!!!

CONCENTRATE for God's sake, this is not the hairdresser's.. I GET IT they are bored, and most of them are well-off and idle so what to do, best go to the gym and meet some more of their kind and exchange nonsensical statements for about 1 hour or so and then move on somewhere else. It annoys me, it infuriates me and not only do they read magazines... BUT they talk, they chatter... so loudly in fact that the sound of my iPod cannot drown them out.. and believe me drowning them is pretty high on my agenda!!

I do not mean to sound so horrible, I think I am an ok guy but COME ON! I have never tried to interrupt anyone's workout or go to the gym for any reason other than to work out, and I am on a tight schedule. But I have got it all wrong.. I am sure, life is not for me to enjoy, it is for them, lazy queens with a pastime.. that is how they see it so perhaps I should as well!!!

This morning as I was going to the gym, in vain it seems given my recent weight gain, I saw a SAAB pull out of a driveway, be-tied and be-spectacled, respectable driver behind the wheel with a 4-5 year old in the back. This was around 8am. So obviously this was a school run to be followed by the obligatory drive to the office. An office job that can provide for the family, pay for the house in the suburbs and the SAAB of course and a lot else besides I am sure.

I remember a few years, holidaying with my then girlfriend and organising my return to Greece permanently and thinking, believing, wishing that I could get a job like that, with the suit and the tie and the SAAB.. well the SAAB I still like but growing has made me realise that happiness and professional satisfaction are rarely attached to ties, suits or other pieces of clothing. I am heading towards the unknown, following a dream I had been meaning to follow for years and I just never really knew how and I feel all the richer for it. Not all dreams come true, and this might not but we owe it to ourselves to see them through somehow.

Today is an important day... so wish me luck! :-)

I felt slightly disconnected from my surroundings this week and I shouted far too loud once to my son, and for that I feel awful. Odd week, productive and odd.

Fighting with your children, especially when they are under 3, is a humiliating, horrible experience. As I crossed the line and could feel my temper breaking free from the constraints of reason and I-dare-say immeasurable love, I actually was weak... the weakest I had been in a long time. I felt like I was letting him down, not because he was screaming and shouting but because I somehow could not prevent him from going down that road even though I tried. But somehow I did not try hard enough and that I need to apologize to him. And then apologizing to him makes me feel like those abusive husbands, who try to make it up to their wives the day after.

The truth is I have opted for honesty at all levels with my son; from day one, never lied to him, never even misrepresented the truth! It would have been easier to lie I know but I think that shows a lack of respect and after all he is part of me! So not respecting him essentially translates into not respecting me. Sometimes however, control is lost and I am not sure it is because I get frustrated at his stubbornness or unwillingness to cooperate or because I am simply not good enough.

time goes by

Well it is officially 2010... and I say officially because the festivities are over and I know they are because I am almost officially broke!

And I feel ok about that, as we embark on new adventures, apparently we need empty heads and empty pockets. There is something about that combination that seems to drive us forward. The more we succeed in 'evicting' trivial and negative thoughts from our mind the more space we reserve for imagination and creativity. Think about it...

back for more....

.... I have missed being online, not during the first few days but last weekend it hit me... I have this 'thing' about vacations, I need them to be real holidays, real breaks, away from keyboards, mobile internet, ADSL, and i crave for a time when I will be able to turn off my mobile and feel secure that everything will be ok in my world!

In any case my break was indeed a break, away from keyboards and connections! I longed for 2010 to start, not sure why, I guess once again I am looking for new challenges picking up on new threads and trying to see them through and actually wanting too! That is the key... I want 2010 to be a way out, but also I want light, lots of it, a way out of the clouds. I thought long and hard about those clouds you see and I have decided that I will do something about them and 2010 will point the way, or I will make it!