As summers gives away to a mild chill, I take a long hard look at the year that was, full with its crises and happy moments and more to come...

Hardship, difficulty and joy seem wonderfully intertwined in an entrancing merry-go-round ... and this is our life right now ...

Some days do make you wonder what you have been doing wrong ALL those other days that simply did not include a jog and a swim before heading to the office.

Edging away ... sometimes lifechanging decisions are taken but not enforced overnight ... they 'sip through' changing little by little. Am I the same man I was 12 months ago? Not sure but I made a decision 2 years ago and although it did not change my life right there and then it seems to be taking root and doing it now for me. Maybe patience is a virtue -- and for good reason too ! It pays off in most unexpected ways!

I wonder if a number of people around me are indeed correct - I get the impression that I am simply written off as not caring enough, that there is somehow a wall that stops overinvolvement. Is this true? Have I stopped being a real friend and have resigned to a superficial analysis of my friends' needs and wants. Am I an afterthought in their lives? Are they in mine? Does it make a difference? I ask myself whether this is simply a defence mechanism as I cope with the ever-increasing amount of 'things to do' in my life and how I perceive my role.

So Happy Easter .... may the light of resurrection light our lives ...

5 years and counting .... who would have thought? In my untrained, man-eyes, 5 years does seem like a solid amount of time for a marriage. It is not bad at all - so 5 years and 2 toddlers later here we are, celebrating this evening but I am not sure how.  Maybe getting everyone to sleep just a little bit earlier would be celebration enough. Maybe not ....

Heeeeeeeeeeere is Johny ....

What's eight months ? It's nothing - it is nothing compared to eternity, but I guess it is something, compared to what has taken place. Father again - sleepless again, and the receipient of those first-thing-in-the-morning smiles that only toddlers and young children can give you.

I have aged, my hair has gone grey and I have put on weight, which I cannot seem to shake off. I do not find time to visit any new eateries or funky new places around town; I am calculating incomes and expenses as I did when I was 20 years old, but somehow there is a sense of achievement -- and a sense that all is possible. I cannot seem to shake that - maybe it's the optimist in me seeking satisfaction.

The Monday after the weekend before -- could it be? balance at last? After two evening family dates, I must say I smile thinking about weekend and our mountainous excursion. There was rest - there was sleep, there was calm and there was walking and food and overall things falling into place. Naturally there is a long way to go --- but still ...

How can teeth break like that? And it does not hurt me yet but it will I know it. It is one of those things when you know you will simply pay for it later. Like Saturday, we ended up paying for that later. Is that how the cosmos gets balanced? One day of fun and relaxation and another day of vomiting, worry and sleeplessness? I wonder how it works - how prepared must we be to stay ahead of the game?

A lot of what I write about deals with the ability to face the world - the inner strength to cope and deal with the situations that we are challenged with. Reading past entries I regret that so much of it talks about the need for inner strength, as if a special extra reservoir of power is needed for a simple day in the office. When will i learn??? This is it... as good as it gets, as bad as it gets, as everyday as it gets. The kids have fever, the emails are pouring, the stress is mounting, and the beach was relaxing, dinner was fantastic, and along with everything else -- this is everyday.

A long weekend..

We are fast approaching mid-June and as I try to hold my thoughts together my mind feels like exploding most of the time.

As I was waiting for my son to exit from his swim lesson two days ago, I noticed another father not too far from where I was standing. Almost 40 years old, generally non-descript -- and then I read his T-shirt "DRUNKEN LADIES - FREE BREATHALYZER TEST - BLOW HERE" with a bright arrow pointing down to his genitals. So I sat there bemused for a moment and ever since I have been asking myself the same question.. what kind of a father/husband/man a) wears something like that, and b) picks up their son from the gym dressed like that, with more kids around ???

And I am sure he knew what it said -- and even if he did not that massive arrow must have given some sort of clue!

Are people really that different? Are we fundamentally different and NOT cloned from a single mould millions of years back? Is it a baffling thought especially as we struggle to pretend how interconnented we all are -- I guess whoever thinks that has not seen that T-shirt!!!

So it's been a long time -- freakishly long actually to the point where I was wondering whether I had simply run out of things to say. The past few months, well the first six of 2011 altogether have certainly been taxing in sooo many ways but really fulfilling in a few others. It seems that the cosmos is intent on balancing good and bad - not toooo much good or we will get spoiled. And I guess that keeps the too-much-bad away as well, which is itself a good thing!

As we are sinking deeper into economic collapse is this time to count our blessings yet again? As we are facing deadends all around is this the time to look up rather than ahead? As we are exhausted from our lives is this time to look for love rather than money?

There was a time when airports were buzzing... people were interesting, the traveling sort, and the place was a gateway rather than an 'enclosure' in itself. Nowadays I feel that airports are simply there to contain people rather than set them free on their way. Everyone looks dull, uninterested and most importantly un-interesting. It is a sad fate for the human forced to interface repeatedly in the airports of the world, all desensitized with the grim veil of uniformity. I was travelling over the past couple of days and there simply was no telling where I was. All airports look the same now.

I remember an argument regarding Athens' old airport - simply 'inappropriate', 'too small', 'too close to town', mostly correct all those arguments but that airport did feel like home, the entire construction reflected felt like it belonged in that capital and nowhere else. Now as throngs of sheep-like passengers are shuttled from one sad airport to the other, it makes no difference where they are going to or where they are coming from. We might as well stay home ...

Ok so 2011 AND the Year of Rabbit seem to be falling AWAY below expectations so far... in fact if you exclude some glimmers of sunshine, the past 6 weeks or so have been pretty horrid... I mean come on... tons of ink were spent on star-sign predictions less than 2 months ago, underlining the fact that 2011 was supposed to my year! Nobody else's just mine!!!!! where the hell is it?? I am used to failed expectations esp. in terms of star signs but I feel cheated here -- I kid you not, 2011 was poised for greatness... instead it feels like a bad rerun of the last few months of 2010 and they were not a pretty picture!

So you better get your act together 2011 my friend -- not sure I can handle another calendar disaster!!!

How can we explain and rationalise bad things happening to us? Painful, traumatic events that scar us, possibly for ever.... ? We probably don't, but there is somewhere the strength to cry a lot, grieve and somehow get up the next day and the day after that and watch as your wounds heal.

Last week was probably one of the hardest I had to face - and I have been pampered I have not gone through all that much in my life. But the weekend made sure I got my share. So where does the strength hide? How do dreams get replaced by new dreams and how can we teach our souls NEVER to expect? I am looking into it and I will let you know...

How grateful are we all supposed to feel these days? and for what? When it comes to me, my thoughts immediately turn to love and being grateful for quiet sleepy nights, health, dreams and our strength to make them come true.

If there is one thing worse than spending Christmas Eve in a hospital, it is spending it in a children's hospital. And that was our lot this Christmas Eve. It is of course amazing how any significance attached to the day went out the window, the minute the doctor told us that they have to keep our son in the hospital and cannot be allowed to leave with his temperature and history.

And it was dismal of course. The fact that a 3-year old was walking around with an iv-line inserted, my 3-year old, was enough to make me cry. But in the end he was discharged a day later - on Christmas day in fact; just in time for a family lunch! But it made my wife and I think - what does happen to a parent when their child is truly ill? How can one recover from that? We spent 24h miserable hours with a 'simple' chest infection... what if? what if??

There is no internal defence I can think of that would protect me from the onslaught of that tidal wave.. none at all.

OK so I was wrong ... not all hope is gone! There is hope. But it has crept in some really really weird places, like our brain - other people's brain and under a few rocks, behind the old dresser and places like that.

Nothing out of the ordinary has taken place - in fact the gloom scenarios are around stronger than ever , but a line has to be drawn. In the face of collective misery, we have to try and parade individual resistance. Because after all, mob mentality NEVER EVER did any one person any good!!

Is this really the black hole where hope and positive thinking come to lay their tired bodies?? I mean seriously what has happened to this year? Apart from continuous hits above and below the belt, it seems to me that December is not turning out to be quite as jolly as one might have expected.

We are really anticipating 2011 to come through the door simply because the new always holds some promise. But that is the ONLY reason; deep down we know pretty well that 2011 is likely to be as punishing and brutal as 2010.

Good luck to all the women and children... all of us included...