when i grow up...

So I was thinking, why should we have to stick to our teenage dreams regarding our future professional paths?? Most of the adults around us when we are 16, 17 try to convince us that "we have so much to learn" regarding life and everything else. Yes somehow the same people appear concerned when by the age of 17 we have planned our entire academic careers at the graduate and postgraduate levels. Not only that but we are also expected to stick to that decision for the next 30 - 40 years or so.

So I have NO idea what I want to be when I grow up and I am 33. When I was 17, 18 even when I was 25 I remember having dreams about the future, I even remember what they were, I just don't have the same ones any more. So is it so difficult to make my new dreams come true? Is there an age threshold past which all dreams for the future are banned?

For years now during the run up to summer holidays, I make a list in my head with all the possible things that can possibly go wrong before we go. Naturally this is a pretty long list; but I have decided not to do it this year. And I have also decided that for the first time that holidays is most underrated event in our adult lives.. people skip holidays altogether; people are often hindered in their holiday requests; people are asked to take holidays later or not to take more than one solid week.

For me I no longer care about what can go wrong. I need a holiday so badly that I cannot even think about my List. I do not believe I am overworked, but I do believe that there is a lot of grey matter involved in my daily work routine (if you call this routine) for which there is no compensation. The only thing I can think of that can come close to compensation is a few loooong days with a book at the beach.

holy matrimony

Someone I work is getting married right now; not too far from here actually. And she is organising a simple family-only celebration afterwards. Marriage is mysterious, although cohabitation is not; it is not mysterious at all. But somehow the act of matrimony is this fanstastically super event that keeps parents happy and everyone else overwhelmed with joy.

Humans are social animals; most of us do get married but very few of us do it for the same motives... and it appears that there is a whoooole set to choose from. In my (admitedly not too long) life, I have met people who have married out of spite, out boredom, out of lack of options, out of comfort, out of money, out of pressure and also out of love. Whatever love is... as Prince Charles now famously uttered when he and Diana announced their engagement to their world.

Well I am not sure what love is, I bet you noone is. People experience love differently; it is a lot like pain in that respect. We never know what the other is feeling. But love is... and that is enough. Andd when it comes to marriage, it should feature pretty highly on the list of reasons. Not that I criticise anyone but being married for just over two years, I simply cannot understand how people manage it without love. At the end of the day it is two people sharing a bed, and would you really share a bed for a lifetime with someone you are "not really sure about"??

filtering and other tasks

I was always under the impression that communication is the solution to most problems. You know, keeping communication channels open for signal transmission and reception at all times. I was corrected this morning; while I was boasting that all my communication channels are open hence my tendency to constantly react to my environmental stimuli, I was in fact corrected by a friend who pointed out that what I suffer from is not a lack of communication but rather an overt level of signal processing. In other words not just transmission and reception but a lot more besides.

This is in fact a great notion; my 'problem' lies in the over-analysis of the signals I receive and likewise with the signals I transmit. Could this be? Are we becoming too analytical for our own good? Is there always a hidden meaning? And should we care even if there is one?? This last question I am particularly fond off.

Learning to put barriers up is an art form; barriers are usually full of windows, big gates, tiny doors and general gaps that can open and close at will. Some of us maybe never got round to putting up those barriers in the first places, so every tide washes away everything, leaving us in the midst of destruction at its aftermath. I might not have wall-building skills but at last I might have a little more insight... and that can go a long way

i had a dream...

I woke up this morning trying to put the pieces of last night's dream together. I was definitely on a game show, that much I remember. Some sort of question-answer thing, like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. For some bizarre reason it was stuck in my head that shoes were not allowed on the TV set and I was walking barefoot throughout. There was a host, loads of lights and I remember walking on what a resembled a basketball court and thinking that I should have worn shoes. I even remembered the type of questions that would be directed at me but we never went that far in the game.

I also remember very distinctly an overwhelming sense of fear and worry that I would get the first question wrong or draw a blank, make a fool of myself and be escorted out!

I was not really afraid of losing, you win some you lose some. It was the disgrace that filled me with fear! Like so much else in life, saving face is more important than the reason behind it. In any case, I do not find it all that surprising that that particular dream formulated itself in my neurons over the course of the night. In actual fact this is probably the only dream I should be having for the last few months, given my state of mind when awake. After all, why should we expect our sleep not to mirror our mood? I woke up actually tired of the mental anguish and it was not until several sips of my coffee later that I realized that art might imitate life but life itself imitates sleep patterns!

tomorrow never dies...

If you would like to ruin my life push me around first thing in the morning... and nag me and generally tell me how crap I am at doing something. I knew it this morning; even though the sun was shining and in spite of the cool breeze I knew that come 10:00 am it would all lay in ruins around me. And I was right.

This morning is one of those mornings when one retains a faint memory of what it was like to be calm and collected during your coffee break, or actually have a coffee break.

Things are going wrong, and when things are going wrong even though they were predicted to, tensions rise and it is our job to control tension. That is a key feature of work I believe, manage mounting tensions. Actually, no not just work, this is a key feature of life. But sometimes I cannot help but wonder why we struggle so much? It is as if we are trying to put on a pair of shoes 3 sizes too small. It will not work, yet we try and when friction is created we wonder ... and wonder...

crossing lines and back again..

Is there a giant bell that tolls and summons those for whom change is coming up or long overdue? And do these people go away and prepare for that change and make it happen? Just what is it that makes us say the big YES and take the plunge? How much should we tolerate or put up with before we do? Worst-case scenario someone else decides for us, but that may be because we have been hesitating for too long. And in these turbulent times, decisions suffer and those who take them often suffer too. Change is sacrificed out of fear for the unknown

Change is nourishment; it allows us to set new goals, reevaluate ideas and reconsider our position... but going about it is not very nourishing at all! It is exhausting and the doubt and the worrying is almost certain to act as deterrents.. but one thing we should be aiming for is a chance to make the difference in our lives and we deserve that at least

it has come to this...

Over the years I have been known to "suffer" from a host of pathologies, ranging from the mundane to the ultra-exotic... Being a biotechnologist by virtue of my academic inclination did not help in my desire to answer the question "i wonder what's wrong with me?" .

Ok so maybe hypochondria is too strong a word to use but it is likely that the shoe fits in this case! I can take on stress like no other and transform it into a form of physical manifestation that actually causes ailment! This is something that I have come to terms with it but to see it in the people around me fills me with more than sorrow. I have had certain beacons in my adult life; certain people that I turn to and whose happiness I cherish; but above that, I cherish their outlook on life, so when they describe to me mystery symptoms that can be attributed to anxiety it is earth-shattering. When the hell will it stop? This modern attitude to worry and anticipation? Not sure if it is global warming or the financial crisis or something else entirely but it seems that we are slowly placing ourselves in a position of constant worry, almost always circling around the fact that we might lose our status quo. Possessions, life style and general standard of living.

And that is the trap of possession... the price we all pay is anxiety and stress. And even though I hate it is perfectly understandable. I will be more than anxious if we cannot make rent next week; and I will be seriously stressed if we cannot pay utility bills. So why do we choose to place ourselves in this position? Because somewhere along the way we convinced ourselves that aaaall this we now call our lives is better than a small house in the country or on an island with minimal requirements. For years I have been longing to leave the 'metropolis' behind and move the family away but we never quite make it and we are not likely to... so the price tag remains... for now..

how best to handle stolen goods or ancient artifacts... (part 1)

The first thing one has to do is donate them to the British Museum. That way:

- maximum security can be ensured
- lack of legal implications is definite
- complete disregard for state and international laws can be guaranteed.

Once in the British Museum you can rest easy the Museum officials will do anything in their power to make sure that your artifacts (especially if they are barbarically removed from the original site) will NEVER be returned to their origins in spite of global outcry and demand. Furthermore, the Museum officials will enlist the help of every sarcastic nitwit airhead in the Greater London area in order to further its idiotic cause: holding on to stolen goods.

So if you are a bankrupt criminal not sure what to do with your loot, follow Lord Elgin's example, donate it to the British Museum and get the rightful owners off your back once and for all!!

Sunday + lunch = sunday lunch

As my wife and I were putting our son into his car seat yesterday I was already drafting this post in my head... I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday lunch time. Not sure if it was the venue, which was breathtaking or the fact that lunch with my parents and sister was truly enjoyable. Not that it had not been always but I, for a change, could sit back and relax. By no means a seasoned husband and father I usually find myself stressed in family do's, fantastically stressed that is! Which of course leads me straight to indigestion... a wonderful time to be had... BUT yesterday.. was the epitome of the family lunch! Could this be the turning point? The reaching of the balance?

When can we say we have reached at least some level of maturity, experience and knowledge to truly enjoy moments for what they are? Nothing more, nothing less. I am not entirely sure. However, there is hidden treasures to be had all around, a restaurant tucked away in the middle of the forest, a lemon mousse garnished with mint, a smile. And yesterday I savoured all these in away I had not done for a long time.