Thursday, 28 January 2010

I realise that noone can know how the McCann's feel. Madeleine McCann has been missing for years... there is no point in discussing this case here, but her parents organised a fundraiser to mark the 1,000-day anniversary of the day she want missing... One of those glitzy fundraisers with B-class celebrities, make up and flashes. So this has become a cause... like raise money for a charity of some sort and it is being organised by her parents who stood and greeted their guests. And there is a girl missing for over 3 years...

I am not sure what my problem is here.. I really don't. I assume that I would be ok with people getting over certain events, tragic events and moving on. But getting over them, apparently and NOT moving on leaves me a sick taste in my mouth.

Monday, 25 January 2010

I realised that our life is a lot about control... we lack it and we strive for it and I think that happiness if very much dependent on our acceptance of the fact that we simply do not have control over major things in our life.

As i was putting the lights out last night, I realised that I was content with my 'rituals' my little control ceremonies were pleasing to think about and expect at the same time. But why?? What is so important? I think that in the times we live in and our constant doom bombardment we desperately need to hold on to something and if it is not our jobs, or job satisfaction then at least let it be our sense of control over the things that we need or can control. The crossover into the dark side begins when our need for control spills over on to our children our wives, husbands and those we love.

I have control over my 2.5 year-old son but am I controlling him? Am I exerting control over his little life? Should I not control? Such a misguided sense of parenting... As a parent, a loving parent, I object to classifying him as an object of control but I wonder if love is essentially an expression of control... and that is why we seek it for the best part of our lives

Monday, 18 January 2010

If I see one more middle-aged woman in my gym reading a gossip magazine whilst on the treadmill, I swear I will come in the next day with a copy of the hardest hardcore porn magazine I can find and leaf through it next to the water cooler!! For ALL to see!!!

CONCENTRATE for God's sake, this is not the hairdresser's.. I GET IT they are bored, and most of them are well-off and idle so what to do, best go to the gym and meet some more of their kind and exchange nonsensical statements for about 1 hour or so and then move on somewhere else. It annoys me, it infuriates me and not only do they read magazines... BUT they talk, they chatter... so loudly in fact that the sound of my iPod cannot drown them out.. and believe me drowning them is pretty high on my agenda!!

I do not mean to sound so horrible, I think I am an ok guy but COME ON! I have never tried to interrupt anyone's workout or go to the gym for any reason other than to work out, and I am on a tight schedule. But I have got it all wrong.. I am sure, life is not for me to enjoy, it is for them, lazy queens with a pastime.. that is how they see it so perhaps I should as well!!!

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

This morning as I was going to the gym, in vain it seems given my recent weight gain, I saw a SAAB pull out of a driveway, be-tied and be-spectacled, respectable driver behind the wheel with a 4-5 year old in the back. This was around 8am. So obviously this was a school run to be followed by the obligatory drive to the office. An office job that can provide for the family, pay for the house in the suburbs and the SAAB of course and a lot else besides I am sure.

I remember a few years, holidaying with my then girlfriend and organising my return to Greece permanently and thinking, believing, wishing that I could get a job like that, with the suit and the tie and the SAAB.. well the SAAB I still like but growing has made me realise that happiness and professional satisfaction are rarely attached to ties, suits or other pieces of clothing. I am heading towards the unknown, following a dream I had been meaning to follow for years and I just never really knew how and I feel all the richer for it. Not all dreams come true, and this might not but we owe it to ourselves to see them through somehow.

Today is an important day... so wish me luck! :-)

Friday, 8 January 2010

I felt slightly disconnected from my surroundings this week and I shouted far too loud once to my son, and for that I feel awful. Odd week, productive and odd.

Fighting with your children, especially when they are under 3, is a humiliating, horrible experience. As I crossed the line and could feel my temper breaking free from the constraints of reason and I-dare-say immeasurable love, I actually was weak... the weakest I had been in a long time. I felt like I was letting him down, not because he was screaming and shouting but because I somehow could not prevent him from going down that road even though I tried. But somehow I did not try hard enough and that I need to apologize to him. And then apologizing to him makes me feel like those abusive husbands, who try to make it up to their wives the day after.

The truth is I have opted for honesty at all levels with my son; from day one, never lied to him, never even misrepresented the truth! It would have been easier to lie I know but I think that shows a lack of respect and after all he is part of me! So not respecting him essentially translates into not respecting me. Sometimes however, control is lost and I am not sure it is because I get frustrated at his stubbornness or unwillingness to cooperate or because I am simply not good enough.

time goes by

Well it is officially 2010... and I say officially because the festivities are over and I know they are because I am almost officially broke!

And I feel ok about that, as we embark on new adventures, apparently we need empty heads and empty pockets. There is something about that combination that seems to drive us forward. The more we succeed in 'evicting' trivial and negative thoughts from our mind the more space we reserve for imagination and creativity. Think about it...

Monday, 4 January 2010

back for more....

.... I have missed being online, not during the first few days but last weekend it hit me... I have this 'thing' about vacations, I need them to be real holidays, real breaks, away from keyboards, mobile internet, ADSL, and i crave for a time when I will be able to turn off my mobile and feel secure that everything will be ok in my world!

In any case my break was indeed a break, away from keyboards and connections! I longed for 2010 to start, not sure why, I guess once again I am looking for new challenges picking up on new threads and trying to see them through and actually wanting too! That is the key... I want 2010 to be a way out, but also I want light, lots of it, a way out of the clouds. I thought long and hard about those clouds you see and I have decided that I will do something about them and 2010 will point the way, or I will make it!

About Me

There is not much to say that is not covered in my posts... this blog was created because, well because writing has been a passion of mine and communicating is high up there on the list too...