What a wicked web we weave...

... when first we practise to deceive. If only I knew what brought that on, if only. But I cannot get this Shakespeare line out of my head all morning. And what a glorious morning it is... feels just like nothing could be wrong under this sun. But of course there is...

Spring has sprung in our little troubled spot of the world. I was having lunch al fresco yesterday with a view of the Acropolis... we were so close I could see the columns. It was magical and then of course I cheecked my emails and rushed off to a quick meeting and then I had a phone interview in the evening, it was all a bit too much, almost as is the screw is being tightened a bit too much and it needs to unwind a little bit.

I am starting down a path that I have been planning a long time, trying to focus on 'my thing' trying to be creative once again... but I am just also tired and I know it and I know that every time I rest I just want more and more. Am I simply lazy?? simply just not good enough??

I have been wondering whether 'blogging' is in any way therapeutic. I have been looking forward to writing this entry, possibly as way to exorcise my demons today, which seem to be numerous today. Swirling. Around.

A loooong weekend... one of those... 4 days of family bliss with only a few tantrums and only a couple registering on the Richter scale of tantrums, when confronting a toddler in a tantrum, rule no1 is NEVER lose patience or raise voice and it worked most of the times this weekend! So we are finally learning and we are all the better parents for it.

The weekend had everything, sun, snow, rain, cold, heat, food, diet, varying degrees of passion and companionship and it even helped me get my mind off things which i so badly needed for the past few days.

Is it really worth it to believe?? Does it make much of a difference? Will it make easier on others to believe in you if you believe in yourself? I am not entirely sure.. For the past two days I have been consumed by fiery tongues of desire for something JUST out of my reach, a dream which can turn into reality. A dream that will turn into reality, because I want it to. But is that enough? Are our desires enough to make that happen?

Whether or not they are, I feel that I find myself in a place full of contradictions and emotional rides that would make anyone lose their cool, let alone poor ol' me!! But I need to hold on...

I am writing because I wanted some account of today... some account of this afternoon. Even though it is just another day in a very troubled world, I am sighing deeply and hoping to do so with relief.

I have a feeling that this is fast turning into a parenting blog! Either that or simply this is still a blog about me but lately parenting is simply too huge a part of me to contain in the same boxes as the other parts of me.

In fact it seems to be taking over areas I would rather it did not but it seems unavoidable, and in fact sometimes I feel I am more of a father than anything else. And that is scary because I fear that I, we still have not found the balance that we have been striving for, for over 2 years. So what now? How do I make this? How do I find the patience at 7:00 am without a drop of coffee in me, without socks to actually argue against ice-cold milk in the bottle (??) to a 2 year-old who is convinced he is right.. Parenting gives you strength, it might give you dark circles but it gives you strength in an unorthodox way, it pushes to your ugliest limits, kicking and screaming sometimes and it forces you to face them and by facing them you are creating new ones. But it is painful, exhausting and altogether not that pleasant.

It is just me? do others take it at their stride? am i somehow unable to instill a feeling of quiet calmness about the home? i am wondering... as I gaze at our inadequacies I cannot help but wonder whether or not this is how scars are made in the human psyche....

I woke up looking grey... I could see the sun rising from behind the orange clouds and the hard-rock mountains and in this sunlight I looked grey and I felt grey too. Stubble which seemed to be there forever, balding hair in a mess, eyes sunk in sockets and a complexion that befits only a heavy drinker in Las Vegas.

Not good, it took me at least 3 hours to compose myself I must say and as I am preparing for the 3rd coffee of the day, I wonder if I am in fact ageing. We all are, and even though we think it will never actually happen to us, maybe this is it, maybe this is how you wake up when you age... Grey...

It is with interest that I watch toddler-son go through everyday. I think the science in me has re-emerged again and all I want to do is study him... i catch him react to the world, our grown-up world in such a unique, child-like way and i find myself envious of what we 'adults' have lost forever. Yesterday he decided he would spin round and round in his room so he asked me to cover a table corner with my hand so he won't hurt himself when he falls down. That's ingenuity for you!
It must be one hell of a ride and even though my childhood was not particularly something to remember, I would not mind growing up again... all I do now is grow old! It is not the same thing. So first I need to grow young, then grow down, so I can start growing up again, not an altogether easy task.

THE KNOWLEDGE

Faith is a part of the human condition.. we need to believe, we need to let go. But faith is also a tool of manipulation and has been for thousands of years. What we call organised religion through the ages has appeared fearful or daunted by the advent of knowledge, the thirst of our human curiosity and I still do not understand why. Should the faithful be ignorant? Do you believe less when you know more?

Does faith vanish when more and more people pose questions that need answering? I think not. In this day and age I hope we have overcome the moronic age-old notion that dogmas are all-encompassing and should not be questioned. Of course they should and they will either emerge stronger or collapse under the weight of the lies they have been built on.

That should be the only principle guiding our quest for faith and knowledge, which should be joint.